Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Panda and Tango's Top 10 Tips to Slay Your Next Blowjob

Panda's Introduction: I’m going to tell you about this thing I hate. I hate articles about blowjobs that do not give you any new information. If you’ve found your way here to this blog, whether it’s through one of our Twitter accounts, or StumbleUpon, or Google, I’m going to go ahead and assume that you know the basics. Put your mouth on a penis. Create suction. Move up and down. Avoid using your teeth in any regard unless he specifically asks for it.

That’s not what this article is about. These tips, given to you from the minds of two people who, between the two of us, have put more penises in our mouth than we’d like to admit, are sort of an intermediate class. The target audience is the people who’ve passed Cocksucker 101 with a C or better (you did pass with a C or better, right?) and are looking for ways to increase their knowledge from there.

Panda's Tips
1) MAKE IT SLOPPY. (You’re going to have to imagine me shouting this as loud as I can. Because that’s the only proper way to say it.) Basically, lots and lots of spit. You need it to reduce friction so your lips can slide easily up and down. How I usually accomplish this is licking it like a Popsicle all around until it's at least we enough to get your lips to slide well. Then you just kind of, don't restrain your salivary glands AT ALL. Drool. Everywhere. For the most part, because your mouth is closed, it won't look at all strange, he'll just know it feels awesome. 
If your mouth is feeling kind of dry you can try flavored lube if you're into that- just be careful of harmful artificial sweeteners. You could also keep a glass of water by the bed for moments like that. I don't really have this problem because I literally start salivating at the sight of cock, but I realize I'm probably the exception here. In fact, my mouth is kind of just watering talking about sucking cock.

2) Use your hands- they're not only helpful in keeping the penis in the proper position for oral, but can be used as an extension of your mouth if he's too big to fit in your mouth completely. If you followed the tip above, then you'll have plenty of lube to make sure your hand(s) can move without excess and uncomfortable friction. My personal favorite move involves wrapping my hand entirely around the base of his penis, covering the rest of it with my mouth, and moving them both up and down simultaneously. If you feel like being fancy, don't just move your hand up and down with your mouth but also twist it in one direction on the up and the opposite on the down. Even fancier? Pop our mouth off the head of his cock every time you come up so he gets the sensation of entering your mouth on every stroke.

3) Balls are weird. But you should still touch them. If you're not sure what he likes, and your hand isn't busy doing things on his penis, cup them in your hand. While doing this, I like to kind of do a wave-squeeze with my fingers (you know...when one finger moves at a time in succession like a wave? Or a wiggle? Is there a term for this already that I don't know of?). Then...put them in your mouth. Don't try to fit both balls in your mouth the first time you do this, it took me years to master being able to do that without touching them with my teeth. however, you can put one testicle at a time in your mouth and suck gently. You can also swirl your tongue around. 
Just a quick note here- if the guy doesn't at least trim his pubic hair, even I get hesitant about putting his balls in my mouth because there is absolutely no way to nonchalantly remove a pubic hair from your teeth. 

4) Swallow. Seriously. As someone who does it regularly, I am aware that semen tastes (depending on the guy) a bit like a combination of sourdough bread soaked in dirty seawater and a bitter carrot, and has the texture of snot. I know. Swallow anyways. Because there is no way to give a blowjob that is above average if you stop just when he’s enjoying himself the most because you’re too afraid to get some in your mouth. You could do every other tip on this list and still never make his “top five blowjobs of my life” list if you finish him off with your hand instead of your mouth. If your experiences end up being anything like mine, the guys one the receiving end of your oral skills will react with nothing short of amazement bordering on worship. Highly recommended: When they ask if it’s okay to cum in your mouth (however he puts it), keep his cock in your mouth and go “mmm-hmm” around him and wiggle your ass a little bit.
p.s. If you’re asking me if not swallowing is okay if you do a facial instead, what are you doing reading this? You probably knew most of this already. To continue my ridiculous metaphor from above, you’ve already moved on to Cocksucker Graduate School. Or something. I’m going to shut up now.  

5) Now, all of those tips will help you out. Your blowjobs will improve. But to continue to beat this dead horse of a metaphor, you're never going to get an A+ without enthusiasm. I'm aware that enthusiasm doesn't show up overnight for most people. You've encountered guys who are terrible blowjob receivers and just want to shove their cock down your throat without permission and make your gag reflex go off for fun. You've been mentally conditioned by popular media to think that oral is just something you have to do. But...I guess look at it this way- when giveing a truly good blowjob you are in charge of his orgasm. You are the sole reason he's moaning, the sole reason for his orgasm. And that's pretty hot. At least for me. 

Tango's Tips 
1) Follow that curve- Every cock you’re going to mouth cuddle with is going to have some sort of curve, angle or twist to it. Instead of the traditional on your knees eager to please, line your self up so that his curve/angle matches the natural angle of your throat. This should allow you to go deeper then you have before. If it still seems to be having some problems then my next tip would be…

2) Spit it don’t quit it. As a homoflexible male, I’ve been domed by a few girls. In this I’ve noticed one trend. WHY SO DRY? (ed. by Panda: well you know since both is us said it, it must be pretty important) Seriously when you get a blowjob from a gay guy it’s like a waterfall opened out of his mouth.  Girls, if you want to please your guy, let it rain in the Sahara. It will cause him to flip. Speaking of…

3) The flip, when you rapidly change the direction of your head/hand while still keeping pressure on the top of the head of his dick. Generally this is in reference to hand jobs when you switch from going up and down with pinky towards his body to up and down with thumb towards body. In blowjobs it is when you switch from tongue on bottom of shaft to tongue on top of shaft. This completely switches up how the experience feels and sends a guys nervous into overdrive.

4) “IT’S TOO BIG”. While guys around the world would probably love to hear girls say this all the time, girls know when a guy takes out a big long schlong that they are going to have their work cut out for them. Easy solution is to figure out how much you can take and just work on that. Use your hands to make up for any space that your mouth isn’t covering and remember you can still lick everything. Now if you’ll be with this guy for a while then you’ll slowly want to work your way down on it. Each time try and go a little farther. Learn different ways to breath so that you aren’t going to kill yourself drowning on a dick.(To be honest, though, if that does happen to someone I want it in their obituary. “Sally was a whore, she tried to take some, but in her throat it sticks, cause Sally choked on dicks.”) Also remember, the top is the most sensitive. If you want it to feel like a deep throat, just curl your tongue to the roof of your mouth and increase the suction.

5) What on earth do I do with foreskin? That’s right, you meet this hot guy, got everything going on and you go home and find out he’s rocking uncut sausage. Well fear not, this just made your job 100% easier. Uncut guys are way more sensitive to blowjobs and are really the only guys I can get off using just my mouth. The trick here is going for that skin. The inside of it and the head of the penis are way more sensitive then most guys so all you have to do is slide your tongue inside that skin and roll it over the head a few times and I guarantee that guy with be oozing with pre-cum. After that it’s really as simple as playing with it as much as possible. Don’t pull on it too hard though, it’s attached to some pretty sensitive areas.

Tango's final thoughts: Now for the most part that’s the best advice we can give everyone, but I do happen to have one last tip. If you are unsure what your guy likes, simply ask him to moan to what feels good. Don’t let him say words though. This simple transition from words to just sounds will allow both of you to learn what feels good when you are doing anything sexual without him having to tell you. I also think it’s just fun to hear your partner using all their sex noises.

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