Implanon Diaries Pt. 1- Just getting the Damn Thing.

I'm currently in the process of switching my birth control from the pill I've been on for almost 5 years now to Implanon, or the birth control implant. Why? Well, partly because I'm habitually bad with remembering to take my pills at the right time every day, and partly because Implanon has a 99.95% success rate at preventing pregnancy FOR THREE YEARS (statistically, better than sterilization!).

Being on my pill wasn't bad, it was actually great. But I felt like because of my absentmindedness and newly much more frequent sex life that I was putting myself at risk somehow. I know that sounds silly, considering the amount of sex I've had in my life versus my obvious success at avoiding pregnancy. But I still think this is the path for me. So I'm going to write a three-part series about this process to help those of you who might be considering this switch as well.

So you want the Implanon. You've researched. And researched. And decided that the one video you found about the girl who had a five week long period at the start of having the implant was probably someone who would have had trouble with any and all forms of birth control. You go to your gyno, perkily hand her an insurance card, and they say they'll call your insurance company, and then you, about the Implant. You assume it will be a couple of weeks, which is fine.
Attempt 1: You gave the office an expired insurance card. A week passes before you can update the info correctly.
Attempt 2: After "correcting" information and another week, the lady at the desk informs you that your insurance claims you're not on it. Turns out she missed typing a number into the computer. Do not pass Go do not collect Implanon. Try again.
Attempt 3: Successful insurance information (fucking finally), but your insurance only covers the price of the device and not insertion. You do the math, decide you can afford $250 considering it lasts for three years (about $7 a month). They agree to order it for you. You assume this is done with. Wrong.
Attempt 4) APPARENTLY IF YOU FILL OUT A FORM OR SOMETHING SOMEONE WILL PAY FOR THE INSERTION? COME IN TO FILL OUT THIS FORM ON ONE OF THE TWO DAYS A WEEK WE'RE FUCKING OPEN. Christ on a Bicycle, people.

Now replace all the "you's" with I, and you'll understand what my life has been like for the last couple of weeks. I'm about four days from running out of my birth control pill and man I am just so excited about having to use condoms again with my fluid-bonded partner because a combination of fuckery has made this 1000x more difficult than it should be [/sarcasm].

Now that all sounds frustrating (yes) and like I'm not pumped about it anymore (not so!). I just wish i had planned a little bit better and not chosen to make the switch at the very end of a BC pack. I filled out the form this past Monday, and hopefully no longer than two weeks from now I will be able to give you a post about insertion.
Until then.
Plan better than I did.