Friday, December 20, 2013

Is That a Banana in your Toybox? A How-To on Finding a Pretty Good Dildo in your Local Craft Store

1) Walk up to the kitschy glass sculpture rack for the 1000th time to contemplate buying your blogging partner a two foot tall rainbow rooster (rainbow cock! get it? get it?)

2) See a glass banana. Notice that it's penis-sized. Giggle.

3) Stop giggling and contemplate it's penis-ness. Get the idea to put it in your vagina.

4) Realize that it's on sale for 6 bucks and just taking it home to do a more thorough safety inspection won't hurt anything.

5) Walk around the yarn section trying to come up with witty comebacks to say to the cashier if they ask you why you're only buying a single glass banana.
5a) Reject "What would YOU do with just a glass banana?"
5b) Reject "My monkey ate my last one, so now I need a new banana AND a new monkey!"
5c) Decide on "Gonna stick it in my vagina. Have a Merry Christmas!"

6) Be disappointed the cashier doesn't ask you anything, just safely wraps it up in paper and wishes you a Happy Holidays.

7) Get home, do a thorough safety checklist.
7a) Both borosilicate and soda-lime glass are non-porous and phthalate  free. Check.
7b) The colored part is under a layer of clear glass so you're not exposed to strange dyes or paints. Check.
7c) Put it through a steam sanitize setting on your dishwasher to make sure it's not easily shattered- if it can't make it through the dishwasher, it shouldn't go near your bits. Check.
7d) Look for nicks and cracks and sharp bits in the glass at every step of the way. Check.


It did indeed pass all the safety checks I could think of. I brought it upstairs and settled in my bed with not only the banana, but also a number of my other dildos, wanting to check the curve of the banana against other "g-spotting" items I have. It's not quite as extreme as my Nobessence Seduction, and similar to both my Lelo Mona 2, and VixSkin Mustang.
I ran my fingers over it one more time to make sure there weren't any pointy bits on it, and then lubed it up and slipped it in.
Oh! It is good. It rubbed gently against my g-spot when I thrust and combined with a vibrator on my clitoris1, I came embarrassingly quickly. The glass is unyielding and gives a wonderful sense of fullness, and there is a slight ridge on the top that gives a level of pinpoint stimulation to the front vaginal wall. It has a slight taper from the tip, so despite its pretty filling girth, it slides in easily.

So! Stats, Pros, and Cons of my Craft Store sex toy.

Length: 7 1/2 inches, most of which is insertable.
Diameter: About 2 inches (it is elliptical in shape)

~$12 (I got mine in a 50% off sale)
-Gentle, thrustable g-spot stimulation (who knew bananas were g-spotters? Maybe those sploshing folks have the right idea!)
-Discreet (Well, as discreet as having a decorative glass banana in your bedroom could be)
-Sterilizeable! Just be careful it doesn't bump the side of the pot if you boil it.
-Temperature play compatible (warm or cool water, no freezer or microwave!) 

-If you need very direct g-spot stimulation, this is more of a "glancing blow" toy
-Not manufactured as a sex toy, so there could be imperfections on the glass that could hurt vaginal tissue (there weren't on mine, but check check check before you use it)
-NOT anal safe. At all. Don't put it in your butt. Please. If you think explaining to the cashier why you're buying a glass banana is embarrassing, explaining to an ER doctor why one is stuck up your butt is worse
-If you don't have a sense of humor, you're not going to be able to use this  despite how good it feels. It's extremely silly to masturbate with a glass banana. I giggled the entire time.

I don't know if this banana will have a permanent spot in my toybox, but for the price? Definitely didn't hurt a thing to try it out. And if you're the sort of person who needs unrealistic, not-gross-jelly, discreet, toys on a budget, this could be your godsend.
I got mine at a certain craft store that rhymes with "Bobby Sobby" (I don't think they'd appreciate getting traffic from a sex blog, hence the beating around the bush) (hah beating) so if you've got one near you, it can be yours as well!

1 Just be sure not to pinch one of your labia between the vibrator and the glass like I did. Curse my one slightly longer labia.

Monday, December 16, 2013

e[Lust] #53

Rope-Tree-Feature-Image Photo courtesy of Kinketc
Welcome to e[lust] - The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you're looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it'll be here at e[lust]. Want to be included in e[lust] #54? Start with the newly updated rules, come back January 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Do Not Consent Found poem – UR so SXY Kink is not a dirty word!

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Being not doing; a thought about labels. Take It For Daddy

~ Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

The negative impact of media exposure on sex


Christmas Eve

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

SexyLittleIdeas - Childfree Environmentalist Thwack Bisexuality (It's complicated) The Goodbye Kiss Our Contraception Journey Part 8: Mirena IUS Silencing Their Demons My Sex Education Optimism Can't tell the diff between vanity & artistry

Erotic Fiction

“Pick a hole. You know what happens next.” A feast for the senses This Is Me. This Is Her. This Is How We Fuck. Trust Me Every Last Drop Superotica Advent Calendar Blissemas Erotica: Of the Santa persuasion… Larry Does Things, Differently

Erotic Non-Fiction

A Letter To Little Marie Floating and Tingly Another Kind of Gratitude Thick Cocks and the Art of the Silent Blowjob "Your cum is in my hair." Finding Out Jigsaw Melding Pleasure and Pain Personal: DSL Experiment Week #2 The Blowjob

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

Hello Ma'am Placed Around My Neck Being a Babygirl The Wanderings of a Sadistic Mind The Big Mistake Even Good Submissive Men Make CollarMe...WTF? Dermarollers: Kinky, Sadistic, and Fun! Crawling & Kneeling

Friday, November 22, 2013

Thick Cocks and the Art of the Silent Blowjob

I was nervous. Sitting in my car, I flipped through my text messages as a way to calm myself down and, in a way, reassure myself that this was actually happening.

Hey, what are you up to right now?
I was just about to take a nap, why?
Well that's boring
If this is about that library date we were talking about over Thanksgiving, I could be convinced to get out of bed
Holy shit haha I completely forgot about that
I laughed to myself a little. Sure. Sure he forgot about our agreement to have his cock sucked in the library the next time he visited, the agreement we made as he encouraged me through instant messages and snapshots of his cock to fuck myself harder with my dildo.

I can be there in 5 minutes. Meet me in the foyer.

I was nervous. And wet.
I got out of the car to one of those sudden Fall rains that happen periodically in the Midwest. The walk to the library soaked my hair thoroughly, and I was irritated until I remembered that one of his turn-ons was wet hair. He did a good job of not moaning when I walked up to him and tucked my head under his chin while we hugged hello.
"Rain." It wasn't a question, but a statement, and I couldn't help but be a smartass in my response.
"Is that what that stuff falling from the sky is called?"
He rolled his eyes as he walked me towards our destination.
The library was quiet, almost empty, as we walked from the foyer to the very back of a section I had never been in. He walked up to a shelf and started perusing an oversized book about women's photography through the ages, and I just stood there confused as he flipped pages. After he finished, he flipped back to the beginning and muttered at me.
"Are you going to put that smart mouth of yours to work or not?" His fingers gripped my still-damp hair and began to push me downwards.
"Uh-uh. Use your words." I was teasing him, since my knees were already bending, getting comfortable on the thin carpet.
"Suck my cock. Now."
I obliged. A quick tug at his track pants and a hand snaked through the front opening of his boxers and he was on my lips. And then it was stretching them open. And stretching, and stretching. God, I had forgotten how thick he was until this moment, when we both heard my jaw pop a little as he did his best to slide my lips all the way to the base of his cock. I couldn't help it, I gurgled.
Both of us froze. In the silence of the library, it sounded like someone had set off firecrackers. that's when I learned it is nigh impossible to give a completely silent blowjob. Your lips make a popping sound when you release suction. If you're getting him properly wet, there are slurping noises. Being face-fucked triggers little, involuntary moans and gurgles in the back of your throat. All those little noises, which seem so insignificant in the white noise of regular life, become amplified in the muffled, complete silence of a library. Of course, the fact that he had pulled my breasts out of the low neckline of my top and was alternately pinching and caressing my nipples wasn't helping me be quiet either.

Suddenly we heard a voice. A LOUD voice. It sounded like someone had crept up on us, and we just froze in the position we were in, with his cock buried deep in my mouth, one hand gripping my hair and the other with a handful of my breast.
Turns out, it was just the intercom announcing that the library closed in 15 minutes, but just the idea of someone seeing us brought him to the edge.
"You ready? Do you want this cum?"


Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Why I love my Tie-Bright VixSkin Mustang: A photo essay

 It can be ridden hard and put away wet without mutating, morphing, or melting. And by ridden hard, I mean a soap-less wash + sterilize cycle in the dishwasher, and by wet I mean...wet.

 The base is this GORGEOUS pearlescent white with blue highlights I cannot get my camera to pick up for the life of me.

The colors  are awesome from every angle. And I adore the fact that both the Corpus spongiosum and frenulum are visible and anatomically correct.


Just...Just look at how regal it is. All hail the king of Panda's dildo collection. Reigning over vaginas, mouths, and anuses alike with it's squishy yet stiff, unfailingly squeezable 6.5 insertable inches. looks goddamn good with a RodeoH harness and lace. 

It bears mentioning that I purchased this myself, with my own money, for my own enjoyment. My VixSkin Mustang is Tie-Bright, but it also comes in Fluor-a-Green (discontinued), Fluor-a-Pink (SheVibe), Black and Pink (Babeland), and three flesh tones that are available at either store if you prefer the realistic penis colors. 
If you want to read a real review (as opposed to my love letter) before you make your purchase, Epiphora has one here

Monday, October 14, 2013

5 Things I Didn't Know About Squirting Until it Happened

1) Being able to squirt doesn't change your orgasm habits. Before I started squirting I was a multiple kind of gal. Like, 3-4 per session depending on the partner and the length of time we're having sex. Apparently there is just a never-ending fountain of this stuff inside my body because it just keeps coming out, man. This results in, I kid you not, two foot across puddles if they all happen when I'm in one place on the bed.

2) It doesn't always have to be a result of a g-spot orgasm. The first time it happened to me, I wasn't even with a partner, I was using my vibrator externally for like the 3rd time that day/afternoon/I was home alone for the weekend and bored don't judge me. "Did I just pee? Squirting is just from g-spot stuff isn't it? I guess I should sniff it, oh god I am such a weirdo. Doesn't smell like pee. Hm." Don't worry, fellow clitoral orgasm-ers. You didn't pee. You actually squirted, as long as it doesn't smell like pee.

3) It is NOT, however, completely odorless. At least for me. There's no really STRONG smell but it's...musky? That sounds so gross, like I'm a skunk or something. But it smells like sex happened (duh). You know that distinct smell in a room when sex has happened? It's like that. If she says "sex happened" one more time, I'm leaving. Talk about repetitive. Geeze.

4) As a woman who has no problem going down on a guy mid-sex, I am familiar with the way my vagina tastes. My "normal" self-lubrication has a distinct taste that I'm not going to describe because that would be weird. However, ejaculate really doesn't taste like anything. At all.

5) It makes...a sound. It's not loud. Quite honestly it's just a whisper. But it's there. The best comparison I have is a squirt gun except it's really, really quiet. A squirt gun? is this girl batshit? I never claimed to be eloquent. I also never claimed to be the sort of person who never talks to herself in a blog post.

Friday, October 11, 2013

Let’s talk about Top Privilege

So let’s talk about Top Privilege. Do you guys believe that in the gay community tops are more desired than verse or bottom guys? Do you think this lets total tops get away with more than bottoms might? Another good question is, what exactly makes a total top? Does he have to be hung? Fit? Tall? Or is it simply his refusal to "take" that lets him get away with so much more?

As a total top myself I’ve notice some of the fringe benefits of being one. The first and most noticeable is that I really don’t care what I’ve eaten prior to having sex. Chipotle smothered in curry with a side of gravy or Taco Bell and a PBR to wash it down? Sounds great, now lets fuck! But if any of my former partners or my current boyfriend was to have just one of those items, you can pretty much guarantee it’d be a “bad night to bottom”. So either no anal or they risk having a potential embarrassment due to the nature of them getting penetrated.

The second thing I’ve noticed is the reaction on my Grindr when they see a fit 6’2 Total Top show up in their area. I’ve literally shown multiple friends that with those stats and a crap photo I can still get a hit every 5 minutes for the next 3-5 hours. However when I remove Total Top from the description it drops to 1-2 hits every hour. I’ve also noticed that the assumption is that I’m masculine (despite my somewhat twinkish appearance) is always gathered when I put that I’m a TT, but if I take it away I always get a question along the lines of “You’re masc right?”.

It seems to me that no matter what, total tops seem to get a trophy boy status in a world where it should be more about two guys having a good time together. I’ve noticed that my straight friends all find this very weird. While some seem to think in the lines of the “male” and “female” of the relationship, others who seem to have gotten past that are still hung up on the idea that a bottom isn’t getting pleasure. And while I know there are certain cases of tops just getting themselves off, I’ve noticed one redeeming quality from my other friends who are total tops. We’re eager to please our bottoms. Maybe it’s this simple fact or maybe it is the illusion of masculinity and power that makes a total top seem like such a prize possession. I guess I really want to know from everyone what their thoughts are.

Catch you later,
Mike Tango

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Implanon Diaries Pt. 1- Just getting the Damn Thing.

I'm currently in the process of switching my birth control from the pill I've been on for almost 5 years now to Implanon, or the birth control implant. Why? Well, partly because I'm habitually bad with remembering to take my pills at the right time every day, and partly because Implanon has a 99.95% success rate at preventing pregnancy FOR THREE YEARS (statistically, better than sterilization!).

Being on my pill wasn't bad, it was actually great. But I felt like because of my absentmindedness and newly much more frequent sex life that I was putting myself at risk somehow. I know that sounds silly, considering the amount of sex I've had in my life versus my obvious success at avoiding pregnancy. But I still think this is the path for me. So I'm going to write a three-part series about this process to help those of you who might be considering this switch as well.

So you want the Implanon. You've researched. And researched. And decided that the one video you found about the girl who had a five week long period at the start of having the implant was probably someone who would have had trouble with any and all forms of birth control. You go to your gyno, perkily hand her an insurance card, and they say they'll call your insurance company, and then you, about the Implant. You assume it will be a couple of weeks, which is fine.
Attempt 1: You gave the office an expired insurance card. A week passes before you can update the info correctly.
Attempt 2: After "correcting" information and another week, the lady at the desk informs you that your insurance claims you're not on it. Turns out she missed typing a number into the computer. Do not pass Go do not collect Implanon. Try again.
Attempt 3: Successful insurance information (fucking finally), but your insurance only covers the price of the device and not insertion. You do the math, decide you can afford $250 considering it lasts for three years (about $7 a month). They agree to order it for you. You assume this is done with. Wrong.

Now replace all the "you's" with I, and you'll understand what my life has been like for the last couple of weeks. I'm about four days from running out of my birth control pill and man I am just so excited about having to use condoms again with my fluid-bonded partner because a combination of fuckery has made this 1000x more difficult than it should be [/sarcasm].

Now that all sounds frustrating (yes) and like I'm not pumped about it anymore (not so!). I just wish i had planned a little bit better and not chosen to make the switch at the very end of a BC pack. I filled out the form this past Monday, and hopefully no longer than two weeks from now I will be able to give you a post about insertion.
Until then.
Plan better than I did.