Thick Cocks and the Art of the Silent Blowjob

I was nervous. Sitting in my car, I flipped through my text messages as a way to calm myself down and, in a way, reassure myself that this was actually happening.

Hey, what are you up to right now?
I was just about to take a nap, why?
Well that's boring
If this is about that library date we were talking about over Thanksgiving, I could be convinced to get out of bed
Holy shit haha I completely forgot about that
  
I laughed to myself a little. Sure. Sure he forgot about our agreement to have his cock sucked in the library the next time he visited, the agreement we made as he encouraged me through instant messages and snapshots of his cock to fuck myself harder with my dildo.

I can be there in 5 minutes. Meet me in the foyer.

I was nervous. And wet.
I got out of the car to one of those sudden Fall rains that happen periodically in the Midwest. The walk to the library soaked my hair thoroughly, and I was irritated until I remembered that one of his turn-ons was wet hair. He did a good job of not moaning when I walked up to him and tucked my head under his chin while we hugged hello.
"Rain." It wasn't a question, but a statement, and I couldn't help but be a smartass in my response.
"Is that what that stuff falling from the sky is called?"
He rolled his eyes as he walked me towards our destination.
The library was quiet, almost empty, as we walked from the foyer to the very back of a section I had never been in. He walked up to a shelf and started perusing an oversized book about women's photography through the ages, and I just stood there confused as he flipped pages. After he finished, he flipped back to the beginning and muttered at me.
"Are you going to put that smart mouth of yours to work or not?" His fingers gripped my still-damp hair and began to push me downwards.
"Uh-uh. Use your words." I was teasing him, since my knees were already bending, getting comfortable on the thin carpet.
"Suck my cock. Now."
I obliged. A quick tug at his track pants and a hand snaked through the front opening of his boxers and he was on my lips. And then it was stretching them open. And stretching, and stretching. God, I had forgotten how thick he was until this moment, when we both heard my jaw pop a little as he did his best to slide my lips all the way to the base of his cock. I couldn't help it, I gurgled.
Both of us froze. In the silence of the library, it sounded like someone had set off firecrackers. that's when I learned it is nigh impossible to give a completely silent blowjob. Your lips make a popping sound when you release suction. If you're getting him properly wet, there are slurping noises. Being face-fucked triggers little, involuntary moans and gurgles in the back of your throat. All those little noises, which seem so insignificant in the white noise of regular life, become amplified in the muffled, complete silence of a library. Of course, the fact that he had pulled my breasts out of the low neckline of my top and was alternately pinching and caressing my nipples wasn't helping me be quiet either.

Suddenly we heard a voice. A LOUD voice. It sounded like someone had crept up on us, and we just froze in the position we were in, with his cock buried deep in my mouth, one hand gripping my hair and the other with a handful of my breast.
Turns out, it was just the intercom announcing that the library closed in 15 minutes, but just the idea of someone seeing us brought him to the edge.
"You ready? Do you want this cum?"
"Mm-hmm"


 

5 Things I Didn't Know About Squirting Until it Happened

1) Being able to squirt doesn't change your orgasm habits. Before I started squirting I was a multiple kind of gal. Like, 3-4 per session depending on the partner and the length of time we're having sex. Apparently there is just a never-ending fountain of this stuff inside my body because it just keeps coming out, man. This results in, I kid you not, two foot across puddles if they all happen when I'm in one place on the bed.

2) It doesn't always have to be a result of a g-spot orgasm. The first time it happened to me, I wasn't even with a partner, I was using my vibrator externally for like the 3rd time that day/afternoon/I was home alone for the weekend and bored don't judge me. "Did I just pee? Squirting is just from g-spot stuff isn't it? I guess I should sniff it, oh god I am such a weirdo. Doesn't smell like pee. Hm." Don't worry, fellow clitoral orgasm-ers. You didn't pee. You actually squirted, as long as it doesn't smell like pee.

3) It is NOT, however, completely odorless. At least for me. There's no really STRONG smell but it's...musky? That sounds so gross, like I'm a skunk or something. But it smells like sex happened (duh). You know that distinct smell in a room when sex has happened? It's like that. If she says "sex happened" one more time, I'm leaving. Talk about repetitive. Geeze.

4) As a woman who has no problem going down on a guy mid-sex, I am familiar with the way my vagina tastes. My "normal" self-lubrication has a distinct taste that I'm not going to describe because that would be weird. However, ejaculate really doesn't taste like anything. At all.

5) It makes...a sound. It's not loud. Quite honestly it's just a whisper. But it's there. The best comparison I have is a squirt gun except it's really, really quiet. A squirt gun? is this girl batshit? I never claimed to be eloquent. I also never claimed to be the sort of person who never talks to herself in a blog post.

Let’s talk about Top Privilege

So let’s talk about Top Privilege. Do you guys believe that in the gay community tops are more desired than verse or bottom guys? Do you think this lets total tops get away with more than bottoms might? Another good question is, what exactly makes a total top? Does he have to be hung? Fit? Tall? Or is it simply his refusal to "take" that lets him get away with so much more?

As a total top myself I’ve notice some of the fringe benefits of being one. The first and most noticeable is that I really don’t care what I’ve eaten prior to having sex. Chipotle smothered in curry with a side of gravy or Taco Bell and a PBR to wash it down? Sounds great, now lets fuck! But if any of my former partners or my current boyfriend was to have just one of those items, you can pretty much guarantee it’d be a “bad night to bottom”. So either no anal or they risk having a potential embarrassment due to the nature of them getting penetrated.

The second thing I’ve noticed is the reaction on my Grindr when they see a fit 6’2 Total Top show up in their area. I’ve literally shown multiple friends that with those stats and a crap photo I can still get a hit every 5 minutes for the next 3-5 hours. However when I remove Total Top from the description it drops to 1-2 hits every hour. I’ve also noticed that the assumption is that I’m masculine (despite my somewhat twinkish appearance) is always gathered when I put that I’m a TT, but if I take it away I always get a question along the lines of “You’re masc right?”.

It seems to me that no matter what, total tops seem to get a trophy boy status in a world where it should be more about two guys having a good time together. I’ve noticed that my straight friends all find this very weird. While some seem to think in the lines of the “male” and “female” of the relationship, others who seem to have gotten past that are still hung up on the idea that a bottom isn’t getting pleasure. And while I know there are certain cases of tops just getting themselves off, I’ve noticed one redeeming quality from my other friends who are total tops. We’re eager to please our bottoms. Maybe it’s this simple fact or maybe it is the illusion of masculinity and power that makes a total top seem like such a prize possession. I guess I really want to know from everyone what their thoughts are.

Catch you later,
Mike Tango

Oh SHIT, that isn’t gonna fit!

So first off, I’d like to apologize for my absence in posting this. Re-adapting to shore life has been a bit more difficult then expected, and while I have tons of half finished blogs, I lacked motivation to finish said blogs. Finally after Panda pretty much kicked my ass into gear, here is the first of a few blogs I’ll be coming out with. 

 Oh SHIT, That isn’t gonna fit!  

Okay, so. At some point in your lives, you might stumble into a partner where you realize that their physical size might not exactly mesh well with your physical size. Fear not! As a guy who’s had this problem more then a few times, I’ll give you my advice on how a large pole can fit a small hole and get fireworks instead of “ow ow oww”. 

So depending on how tight tight is, you have many different options to expand upon. The basic is lubrication. The right lube will definitely allow the two of you to slide closer with ease and many couples don’t think they need it. Now in my case I use a quality grade silicone lubricant that any sex toy store will recommend. You’ll want a medium viscosity so you get the staying power of a heavy viscosity but the glide of a light viscosity. Always ask for help no matter how embarrassing it might seem. Now slightly off subject, depending on what type of sex you are having will tell you what type of lubricant to use. For vaginal sex a water-based lubricant is a good start but if it still isn’t fitting right you can switch over to a blend or silicone based. For anal sex I always recommend using a silicone based lubricant due to the high absorption rate of the anus. (note from Panda: Also keep in mind that no matter how good a silicone lube is, it can and will ruin silicone sex toys. So keep that in mind as well) 

Now that we got the lubrication lets talk about foreplay. For people who have issues with making things fit, foreplay is extremely crucial because it gets their partner to relax their body and opens them up more for sex. Foreplay should always involve fingering and stretching in every way to get their body used to the idea of being penetrated and being receptive towards it. Start out slow by rubbing your fingers around their anus or vaginal opening and pay special attention to any part that causes your partner to react positively. It isn’t unusual for this to take a bit of time so go slow and have fun with it.

Now if all of this doesn’t seem to work I have two other tricks that will always get the job done. The first of which involves a personal favorite of mine. Shower Sex! Sex in the shower is great for a number of reasons. It can be a fun surprise for your lover, also it is a great way to clean up without having to wash your sheets. But the great reason for shower sex for those with endowed lovers is that being in the shower naturally relaxes your body’s muscles and provides a lot of natural lubrication which will greatly help when having sex. Use a good amount of hot water and again, spend time on foreplay by washing your partner and getting them to relax. Position yourselves so that the water is spraying between the two of you so that you can use the water as a lubricant. If you want you can also add silicone lubricant as it won’t wash away while having sex in the shower.  This should really help make things comfortable and help things slide together a lot easier. Second: A fun sized dildo or anal plug. Nothing too big and it should be smaller then you or your partners penis size. The general concept of this is that if you can get them adapted to something almost but not quiet your size right before you have sex, it should allow you to be more open to receiving something of a larger size in a short amount of time. As some of the guys on my submarine would so lovingly put it, you don’t let the most hung guy at an orgy go first. Now to let you know, this is really just another form of foreplay. You are using a sex toy instead of a finger, tongue etc to get your partner ready to take you. So have fun with it and use it to find all the their spots that make them go “OH”. How long you guys use this for will really depend on what works for you but it’s pretty much a sure fire way to make even the largest dicks fit into the smallest holes.

Until next time.

Mike Tango.

Soapbox Preaching: Why I Hate the Phrase "Sex with the person you love is the best sex"

There are a lot of versions of this phrase that float around on twitter, and every time I see them retweeted on my feed, I kind of lose my shit. My twitter feed was recently treated to a shortened burst of this rant, but I thought I should elaborate just in case my 140 character posts came across as terse or mystifying (I am frequently mystifying, so I understand.)
But really, I thought they deserved more elaboration than I was able to give them in mini-rant form. So, here we go: Why the phrase "Sex with the person you love is the best sex" (or any iteration thereof) pisses me off.

Sex is an extremely personal thing- whether it's casual, monogamous, polyamorous, or committed in any other way. That's the key here- "personal"- and every person is different. If you, personally, only have sex with people you love, cool, that's your prerogative. But you don't get to decide your sex is BETTER than sex other people are having simply because you're in love with someone.

Another thing- this phrase sets a super dangerous precedent where uninformed or young people mix up their oxytocin rush after sex for "True Love". Oxytocin is a hormone that is released after sex which causes feelings of bonding, affection, and trust which can feel a whole lot like LO-V-E. 
The reason that this is dangerous is, post-orgasm, someone who treats you like absolute shit can start looking like the love of your life. This could be someone using another for sex or money. This could be a mentally or physically abusive person who this person needs to get away from. This could even be a good person who is only invested in the physical part of the relationship who will become freaked out and defensive if the person they're sleeping with suddenly starts proclaiming love. A man. A woman. Anybody. 
People who have never had sex before, be they young or old, could potentially base their entire post-sex mentality on this phrase. This is not a harmless retweet, this inaccurate phrase could actually be harming people's relationship psyche and setting them back on their healthy-relationship learning timeline. People are going to get hurt.

Finally, people are never going to grow sexually in relationships if their entire basis is this phrase. They'll assume that because they are in love, the sex has to be the best they're ever going to have. It will get stagnant, it will get boring, and you're going to look for ways to "spice things up". Basically, stagnant sex=bad sex and this phrase encourages stagnant sex.

So, what really makes sex good/better/best? It happens through communication, honesty, chemistry and knowledge of BOTH sex and your partner. The point I'm arguing is that not a single one of these things is exclusive to love. Does love make these things easier for some people? Tooooootally! that's what's supposed to happen when you're in love! But it doesn't mean that people who aren't in love can't have sex that's every bad metaphor for good sex all rolled up into one. Get out there and learn all you can about sex. Learn how to give yourself an orgasm, ask your partner what they need to orgasm. Don't fake it. Have good sex.

Panda and Tango's Top 10 Tips to Slay Your Next Blowjob

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